I realise how much I hate me sometimes.
Me as a person, me as I awkwardly interactive with people I barely know.
The me that just can't love myself, and can't see why anyone would love me.
I wish I could change me, recode how I act and talk and behave. Be the complete opposite of who I am, just so I can feel a part of something. Because right now I don't feel like I belong anywhere in my world.
I mainly just wanted to update the theme and say hi (let me just say its sooooooo hard to find comms that still do themes like wow lj is so dead. seriously I remember when I actually wrote super junior fic and posted it here like oh g o d I don't think I want to dive down that hole. ever. again. I am just so ashamed)
and wtf, this account is 6 years old!!!!! time sure goes by so fast before we know it we're all grannies still fanning over kpop rookies *awkward laugh*
I feel so overwhelmed with emotions right now and I don't think it's helping at all that it is almost 4am.
The emotional wreck that is me right now can't stand it when the unexpected happens and the outcomes can't be controlled. Life goes on but I will always dwell on what actions I could have done to avoid the situation. Even as I try to think positive about it, there will always be a time in the future that will remind me of how much of a fool I am.
Why are humans so easily affected by change? I wish I was more flexible around it instead of always clinging to something that I would want to treasure for the rest of my life... only for it to be either altered or removed out of my life forever.
I need peace, and some sleep.
I don't think anyone would really understand my pain right now.
vixx really have stolen my heart and the thing is, I don't want them to return it.
these past few months have been nothing but VIXX to me and it's only now that I've realised how much that really means.
exo are coming back with a christmas album but for once, I'm only half-caring. last year had this same thing happened I would not stop spazzing over it on twitter and would like and reblog every single edit of exo's teasers on tumblr. but now it's just a shrug. I dunno how upsetting this might seem to exo-fans but that's just it. I'm happy exo are bringing out this christmas album but that's just how far it goes.
I know myself to have these ~phases~ where I move from one boyband to another, constantly expressing my love and support for them before that either dies down or I find another obsession to spazz over. I feel very guilty each time I do this and it's only worst now that it's between exo and vixx.
why not support them both? you might question me. well I would, if I could. when I have a strong passion for something I must go at it 100% no half cheers or maybes it always yES YES YES! and right now that passion of mine is with vixx, and I can't divide my attention it's not right nor is it possible to do.
I still love exo, I have loved them for almost 2 years but when vixx came into my line of vision with 대.다.나.다.너 I haven't stopped loving them since. people may have noticed this ~phase~ take it's place when my exo dps changed to hyuk and my entire self screamed out vixx and hAN SANGHYUK and starlight.
which brings me to another thing, starlights. I absolutely loveeeeeeee them. as an exo fan I did meet some exo-fans and chatted but those relationships didn't last long. but with starlights, I feel like I've found my home. they are friendly, welcoming, amazing, beautiful, talented, supportive, diligent, geniuses, and just perfect. I honestly stan them as well they are that wonderful to talk to. I met so many amazing starlights and I feel so welcomed. again, I don't mean to offend any exo-fans but that's just how I feel. starlights are a beautiful fandom and I don't want to leave.
when I began to pay more attention to vixx late july I knew a ~phase~ was beginning. I didn't know now things would turn out. but I knew vixx couldn't be avoided any longer. again I say I regret it sfm that I missed that time of not focusing on vixx in the beginning of the year and before. though I know my love for vixx is not built on guilt but with passion. I love them. I want the very best for them. I want to do everything I can for them so they can achieve their dreams. I want them to win. (and I dislike it a lot when people think overwise)
I do like many groups in general but there's only a handful that I absolutely adore and love and treasure, and there's always only one group that will be constantly on my mind, be my every whisper and hold my heart—and that is vixx.
and the worst thing is, I thought exo were ~the one~ that one group that I will stan stronghold with everything I am. idk how you people would interpret this as, trivial or scandalous but it really pains me that I can't love them both with the same passion.
I can only sigh now, it was almost 2am and I was supposed to sleep hours ago but I just can't stop thinking about this (so if there are grammar or spelling mistakes, sorry).
I am going insane, and k-pop is to blame.